Monday, October 20, 2014

A penny for your thoughts.

Warning: this is one of those posts where I talk about my thoughts and feelings. If anyone's reading this blog and if someone doesn't wanna bore themselves with reading about my thoughts and feelings, just ignore this.

Last night at 3am it kind of occured to me that I have absolutely no idea what I wanna do with my life. Yes, I'm studying at university, but that's actually just so I could do something, anything that wouldn't just be me wasting my time away. So I chose to study something I'm interested in, which is English. But I don't even know if I want a job that involves that, when I'm finished with my univeristy degree. Honestly I have no freaking idea what path I want my life to go down, I can't imagine myself having a job for any other purpose than to just earn some money for perhaps a year or two, so I can buy myself nice things. I can't see myself loving a job, not at all.

I know that some people, my mum and my friends, will tell me that this is not true, but I know it is: I have absolutely no talents. I'm not good at anything. I'm a pretty average, boring person. I have no hobbies, no passions. Well, I have a passion for music, but I can't do anything with music, except listen to it, so I can't use that. I like travelling, but I can't do that without money, and to get money I obviously need a job. And that's about all I care about in life.

It's kind of sad, isn't it? I know that I'm only 21, but I have a year and a half left of my bachelor degree and then I can go on with a masters, but I don't think I want to do that right away, because then I'd probably just end up vomiting Shakespeare, English grammar and discourse. My entire life people has always told me not to worry about what to do for a living, because there's always been years and years left of my education, so I didn't need to worry. But with a year and a half left I'm starting to worry quite a bit.

It's been years since I've last had an idea of what I wanted to be, and that was a teacher. I really don't wanna be anything like that now, so I'm back at nothing. Also I briefly had the idea that I wanted to become a psychologist and actually study psychology, but that's impossible as fuck because of my fucked up college exams, so yeah, ain't gonna happen. Again, back at nothing. 

I can't even direct myself down some path like "Yeah, I wanna do something in a company" or "I wanna educate children" or "I wanna sit at an office all day long". I have absolutely NO FREAKING IDEA what I wanna do. I feel like if I don't find out pretty quickly I'll just end up the rest of my life doing shitty jobs and hating myself. I know that's not true and I will probably realise some day what I want to do, but I wish I could just find out now so I didn't have to worry. I hate worrying, it's the worst fucking shit in life.

Also I don't really feel like doing some shitty job after I finish uni in a year and a half, until the day I figure out what I actually wanna do. I could be completely unrealistic and say "I wanna be in a band" even though I can't play any instrument let alone sing, or perhaps say "I wanna be a movie star" even though I live in a country where we do weird as fuck films. I'm not gonna be unrealistic with stupid dreams, I can't even be bothered. I just wish I had a calling in life or just had sort of an idea of what I wanted to spend perhaps not the rest of my life doing, but at least a lot of years.

I'm a bit scared of the future. No, scratch that, I'm insanely fucking god damn shitballs scared of the future. I've spent most of my life going to school and I actually have no idea how to function without school. I spent most of my gap year doing absolutely nothing, so I don't even have proper work experience. That and also the thing I've been complaining about in this weird-arse blogpost, the fact that I have no idea what to do with my life and job-wise when I'm finished with my education.

I just feel like there's a year and a half left of my life and then absolutely nothing. Just unknown stuff out there somewhere. I don't have a future planned, I'm not sure about anything in my life. I feel like my life will just stop at 22, a few months before I turn 23 I will just cease to exist. I know everyone's future's unknown, but at least most people have something planned or at least ideas.. I don't, not at all. It's scary as fuck. I'm afraid I'm slowly but surely entering some sort of existential crisis. Freaking help.

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